What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 04:23
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Have you ever accidentally seen your mother-in-law doing something that was private to her?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What did i know ?
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
If you could go back and rewrite the Legend of Korra, what would you change, and why?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I could never make a relationship work though!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is soul school!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My life is so biszare .
It was going to be , some day.
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im still living with it.
Would this be the day?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I said to her
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She wouldn,t have been !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She found it foreign!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.